i hate games

but maybe thats because i suck at them. the thought is not lost on me. and i am talking about the likes of street fighter and mortal combat...cause i was never good at those either, but really im talking about essentially everything to do w/ a high score in business and finance. one big fkg cluster fk.....im contemplating b-school and applications really steam me b/c on top of the grueling process of recommendation letters, transcripts, essays, extra curiculars, career advancement, leadership qualities, and the list goes on of tangible and intangibles required.....you still have to squeeze through the slim slit of acceptance and come up w/ the 100+K dollar tuition to attend in the end. like seriously? all of that isnt enough? you have to be chosen. chosen to pay? does that make sense to anyone else? i understand education isnt free, but a hundred thousand dollars is a lot of money. and you have to tailor your essays as to why this school instead of that school? you have to sit through the GMAT where they intentionally try to trip you up in every way possible? and yet thats not enough? theres still no concrete, objective measure for getting in? ie, if you do these things well, youre good? and theres absolutely no feedback on a hard earned failed attempt? i fkg hate games. the work place is one too. im good at what i do. but how is it that i still need to sell myself beyond my capabilities? that i have to schmooze w/ my boss. is that what i was hired for? does not my work speak for itself? did i miss the section in the job desctiption of kissing @ss? ugh. so frustrating. b/c i dont play the game well. i dont tell my boss every great thing i do or every disaster i steer us from. i get paid very well to do these things. i dont give status updates or look to approval to senior people i dont report to. yet i see these things time and time again get rewarded around me. and it just fkg pains me to have to do it. to deal with it. i know. you might say i should just get over it. stop being static. but its the principle. why do good work otherwise? why not just sell me instead? its certainly easier than producing. you might say leave. but almost everywhere in high finance is like this. and i love finance. i like to think i dont play them well b/c im a no nonsense kind of guy. merit should be rewarded on its own merit, even if you dont like the person. and any useless person should be extracted immediately. good luck to me and my crazy world. b/c apparently this view exists only inside my head. mmm. the worrying part is that in the grand scheme, life is but a game. but somehow i dont feel the weight of that as much as i feel the weight of its participants as we jostle for positioning in the material rat race.

negotiating morality in the midst...of a beast

when said beast is you, in a life of moral dilemmas. and girls. why is it always about women w/ me? [shakes head]. beware ladies, you may hate me after this one...so anyway. my girlfriend is awesome. she has her faults as anyone of us ours, but i like her a lot. i am however contemplating laying with another, and unfortunately the operative word here is - again. can you love and do things outside its perfect circle? i think the complexity of being human makes this so. but is it a moral mistake? there is the crux. will be back to that. so this girl i know. we dated briefly. for whatever reason we didnt pursue it aggressively. a year passes. she comes to visit. id never slept w/ her before but i should have known better. attraction is enough. and it was highly convenient of me to not tell her i was seriously dating. i lasted two days before i just had to kiss her. three before i just had to ravish her. the worse part was when she left, i went back to my regularly scheduled relationship void of guilt. i only felt a bit surprised to find out that girl 2 hadnt slept w/ anyone in two years and i became the chosen one. ah well. im a charming moral sociopath i am. and after going back to a three month period of being faithful, im up to it again. scheming with girl 2 on my girlfriend (and technically on girl 2 too really). and im stunned at the length of my deception. i am actually contemplating visiting girl 2 who lives in same city as my girlfriend (im in a long d), staying w/ her, laying w/ her and not even letting my girlfriend know that im in town. and im pretty confident that i can do it discreetly, operative word? - again. did i mention theyre friendly with one another? oh yeah. like not friends but they know each other well. what am i doing??? introduce girl 3. intense, enamored relationship 4 years ago. but an overseas long D rarely has a chance to breath. i happen to be visiting her city across the sea in two months. i love my girlfriend but every fiber of my being wants so see girl 3 again. i miss her deeply. she was one of the "ones". ive had two (see earlier post) and they both got away. and i know this is a problem b/c if i see her ill fall in love with her all over again. like instant vanilla chocolate swirl pudding. and itll hurt to leave her again. and im torn fighting myself. b/c its my life. i should do what makes me content. but it makes me happy to see both these women. and it makes me happy to be with my girlfriend. and i feel strongly about both. i seem to be able to resist the temptation of new girls, but it seems that my girls of past are always my present.

whats my point? i dont know really. just to clear my head i guess and ask the question: what makes something morally right? you may think im wrong for doing what i have done and what im contemplating. but why is that? b/c im not being committed to my girlfriend? thats not true. i give her whatever she wants of me if i can. you say i dont give her everything? well have you ever? i doubt it. its impossible to. i give her the best i can. and thats usually a lot. and how do i give her any less than what you give yours? whats your ranking tool? and what is committment? that i never stray? or that i always come back? i think theres a strong argument for either. i dont usually actively seek out these encounters, they just happen. is it really so wrong if i give everyone what they want and take whats for me? ugh. actually im sliding on a guillotine with this one, b/c this is different. i know im in one of my "being a bastard" modes again. which is worse because it means the probability of me hooking up w/ my exes went from a 1% chance encounter to a highly probable self created situation and im liable to rationalize all of it. and im very good at doing that. how do you deal w/ these periods? how do i get it out of my system? i recognize the moods, but its hard to release. how can you satisfy an urge by suppression? i think clinically we all know that doesnt work. and part of me really believes that i can love my girlfriend and keep these others separate. and part of me really thinks that monogamy is simply not an evolutionary device. why fight it? is it not enough to shelter the ones we love from the bursts of animalsim and move on? i guess there always the question of getting caught and of contemplating being on the receiving end. unforunatley thats just not enough to stop me. i need better. anyone care to choose a side and wage war?

mmm. waters gush. waters run deep.

its flowing now...i need help on this one. hmm. anybody else talk to themselves? i catch myself doing it. not out loud, but i have to mouth the words. i guess it gives them physical space outside of my head. sometimes i try to force myself to just think internally, but it feels better somehow to mouth. hmm. anyway, writing about friends. long story. insert short story --> enter girl. age seven. grew up together. unexpected love. full bloom. different races. family problems. different places. together just us. apart there are others. decades later. force choice. defeat the winner. unrequited love. no more conversation. <-- so i guess im wondering. did she ever really love me? what is love? is it the commitment to the difficult times? lust fades. romance fades. they all ebb and flow. i guess it was pretty bold of me to ask her to choose me over her family. how can you ask someone you love to do that. but how could i not? i realized i was waiting for her in the back of my head and the front of my heart. i had to know if i could have it all and i ended up with nothing. i guess i would do it over again. but i certainly dont want to feel that pain. the agony. the black hole. my problem is that i always want to know. my rational brain is always trying to figure things out. decipher. why this. why that. not making a choice is a choice. her birthday is coming up. i dream about her. intensely. i wake up w/ feelings and a wet face. its been over a year. is she still a friend if she completely ignored me on her last visit home? from five feet away? my heart is microscopically broken. its impossible to find the pieces. there isnt a probe strong enough. nothing is ever where you see it. uncertainty principle. do i wish her happy birthday? do i really want to brace for the one word response, "thanks". twenty years reduced to this unedible braise? too much salt. too much brandy. its too thick to taste. aaaaaarggggggggh. i miss her. doesnt she miss me? i suppose not. she does have a boyfriend...and i have a girlfriend. who i actually love. i try to focus on that. but how long does it take to get over the one who got away. for reasons beyond my control. its luck of the draw that i happen to be a different race. i doubt her parents would really have disowned her. she didnt. she knows them better than i, right? my friends are everything to me. my family isnt the lovey dovey type. this really crushes me. that i lost everything over this. i would have laid my life down for her. yes i was bitter and withdrawn afterward. snapping. yapping. but why does she not at least fight harder for me. do all to preserve the friendship as i would. do i even try anymore?

tag team back again

already? yah. soon as i finished the other post. i remember something else ive been meaning to say. can we please stop calling barack obama the first black president??! first off its technically incorrect. the man is half white. if we want to talk about it, hes a mixed race president. second and even more important, its a step backwards in race relations to continually refer to him as such. i suppose the reality is that we still live in a heavily influenced yet nuanced, racially divided world. and i guess it does make sense considering the history of america. youre either white or youre black. youre either white or a minority. there is no in between. so in a sense the classic cultural definition of barack is that he is black. its just, how are we ever to remove the focus off of the color of a mans skin if at important moments like this we dont realize our follies and beat them back? see the future. i wish barack would address this. hes in the white house. less need for political games. but i understand he has more pressing matters at hand. tho what a significant statement and impact it would make. it seems like its really going to take another generation to wipe out the effects of slavery in america. after all the 1960s werent that long ago. i mean, you can hop on the subway and sit next to somone alive from that time. that hits me ocassionally. cant imagine what a world that must have been like. the good news is that we are getting closer. mmm. i hope all the black people that claim him tho, realize that there are now no more excuses. yeah. i said it. the remarkable achievement of president obama means that you too now can. yes you can. in that sense i hope that it particularly revitalizes the generations of impoverished, underprivileged and misguided african americans over and above the hopeful inspiration he brings to us all. light speed.

first post frustration

mm. i am frustrated with my life. i know i am in good company as we are all in the fat tails of an anomaly that has brought chaos back into full view. cause its always there. ahh recessions. times to make you take stock. the system is purging itself and youre along for the ride. its apt that my first post is inspired by frustration. it seems to be the only thing that motivates me these days. hmm. interesting as i am indeed in need of a motivator. goodness is there nothing slightly more enticing? lol. i guess i havent defined said frustration. mm. that would be primarily me, secondarily the country i currently reside in. i am being reinstructed in the ways of patience. i hate patience. whoever said it was a virtue is a jackass. its a chore. and excruciating time defying chore. sometimes i wish i could just sit down and do everything myself. pd2u's island. from the ground up. ha ha. i amuse myself. i feel my ego pursing in my veins. why else write a blog. tho its a sword that cuts both ways. what if i get no visitors. will i be satisfied with just the sound of my keyboard? hmm. time will tell i guess. its certainly making me feel a bit better now. i am trying to start a business and there are so many hoops to jump through. more psychological than anything really. i dont know how pops did it all these years. its really a fine line to self direct every minute of the day. i suppose he did have pressures tho. the provider. i think this is my post style. self absorbed minute to minute ramblings. i guess i hope that my thoughts help some other reader. you are not alone. you know. screaming out loud really helps. i wonder what the neighbors think. ha ha. i do do it at rather odd times. eh, who cares. i need to be about my business. to focus. i wish i had a good partner. is it a prefailure that i need a chaperon? how can one expect to be a leader if he needs the structure of a system? arrrgh. silence in my head. no answers. harsh maybe. yes. i hear a bell of truth tho. maybe im a better number two? ill try anyway. thanks for listening to my transmission of data packets....be back. im sure...