mmm. waters gush. waters run deep.

its flowing now...i need help on this one. hmm. anybody else talk to themselves? i catch myself doing it. not out loud, but i have to mouth the words. i guess it gives them physical space outside of my head. sometimes i try to force myself to just think internally, but it feels better somehow to mouth. hmm. anyway, writing about friends. long story. insert short story --> enter girl. age seven. grew up together. unexpected love. full bloom. different races. family problems. different places. together just us. apart there are others. decades later. force choice. defeat the winner. unrequited love. no more conversation. <-- so i guess im wondering. did she ever really love me? what is love? is it the commitment to the difficult times? lust fades. romance fades. they all ebb and flow. i guess it was pretty bold of me to ask her to choose me over her family. how can you ask someone you love to do that. but how could i not? i realized i was waiting for her in the back of my head and the front of my heart. i had to know if i could have it all and i ended up with nothing. i guess i would do it over again. but i certainly dont want to feel that pain. the agony. the black hole. my problem is that i always want to know. my rational brain is always trying to figure things out. decipher. why this. why that. not making a choice is a choice. her birthday is coming up. i dream about her. intensely. i wake up w/ feelings and a wet face. its been over a year. is she still a friend if she completely ignored me on her last visit home? from five feet away? my heart is microscopically broken. its impossible to find the pieces. there isnt a probe strong enough. nothing is ever where you see it. uncertainty principle. do i wish her happy birthday? do i really want to brace for the one word response, "thanks". twenty years reduced to this unedible braise? too much salt. too much brandy. its too thick to taste. aaaaaarggggggggh. i miss her. doesnt she miss me? i suppose not. she does have a boyfriend...and i have a girlfriend. who i actually love. i try to focus on that. but how long does it take to get over the one who got away. for reasons beyond my control. its luck of the draw that i happen to be a different race. i doubt her parents would really have disowned her. she didnt. she knows them better than i, right? my friends are everything to me. my family isnt the lovey dovey type. this really crushes me. that i lost everything over this. i would have laid my life down for her. yes i was bitter and withdrawn afterward. snapping. yapping. but why does she not at least fight harder for me. do all to preserve the friendship as i would. do i even try anymore?

tag team back again

already? yah. soon as i finished the other post. i remember something else ive been meaning to say. can we please stop calling barack obama the first black president??! first off its technically incorrect. the man is half white. if we want to talk about it, hes a mixed race president. second and even more important, its a step backwards in race relations to continually refer to him as such. i suppose the reality is that we still live in a heavily influenced yet nuanced, racially divided world. and i guess it does make sense considering the history of america. youre either white or youre black. youre either white or a minority. there is no in between. so in a sense the classic cultural definition of barack is that he is black. its just, how are we ever to remove the focus off of the color of a mans skin if at important moments like this we dont realize our follies and beat them back? see the future. i wish barack would address this. hes in the white house. less need for political games. but i understand he has more pressing matters at hand. tho what a significant statement and impact it would make. it seems like its really going to take another generation to wipe out the effects of slavery in america. after all the 1960s werent that long ago. i mean, you can hop on the subway and sit next to somone alive from that time. that hits me ocassionally. cant imagine what a world that must have been like. the good news is that we are getting closer. mmm. i hope all the black people that claim him tho, realize that there are now no more excuses. yeah. i said it. the remarkable achievement of president obama means that you too now can. yes you can. in that sense i hope that it particularly revitalizes the generations of impoverished, underprivileged and misguided african americans over and above the hopeful inspiration he brings to us all. light speed.

first post frustration

mm. i am frustrated with my life. i know i am in good company as we are all in the fat tails of an anomaly that has brought chaos back into full view. cause its always there. ahh recessions. times to make you take stock. the system is purging itself and youre along for the ride. its apt that my first post is inspired by frustration. it seems to be the only thing that motivates me these days. hmm. interesting as i am indeed in need of a motivator. goodness is there nothing slightly more enticing? lol. i guess i havent defined said frustration. mm. that would be primarily me, secondarily the country i currently reside in. i am being reinstructed in the ways of patience. i hate patience. whoever said it was a virtue is a jackass. its a chore. and excruciating time defying chore. sometimes i wish i could just sit down and do everything myself. pd2u's island. from the ground up. ha ha. i amuse myself. i feel my ego pursing in my veins. why else write a blog. tho its a sword that cuts both ways. what if i get no visitors. will i be satisfied with just the sound of my keyboard? hmm. time will tell i guess. its certainly making me feel a bit better now. i am trying to start a business and there are so many hoops to jump through. more psychological than anything really. i dont know how pops did it all these years. its really a fine line to self direct every minute of the day. i suppose he did have pressures tho. the provider. i think this is my post style. self absorbed minute to minute ramblings. i guess i hope that my thoughts help some other reader. you are not alone. you know. screaming out loud really helps. i wonder what the neighbors think. ha ha. i do do it at rather odd times. eh, who cares. i need to be about my business. to focus. i wish i had a good partner. is it a prefailure that i need a chaperon? how can one expect to be a leader if he needs the structure of a system? arrrgh. silence in my head. no answers. harsh maybe. yes. i hear a bell of truth tho. maybe im a better number two? ill try anyway. thanks for listening to my transmission of data packets....be back. im sure...