when said beast is you, in a life of moral dilemmas. and girls. why is it always about women w/ me? [shakes head]. beware ladies, you may hate me after this one...so anyway. my girlfriend is awesome. she has her faults as anyone of us ours, but i like her a lot. i am however contemplating laying with another, and unfortunately the operative word here is - again. can you love and do things outside its perfect circle? i think the complexity of being human makes this so. but is it a moral mistake? there is the crux. will be back to that. so this girl i know. we dated briefly. for whatever reason we didnt pursue it aggressively. a year passes. she comes to visit. id never slept w/ her before but i should have known better. attraction is enough. and it was highly convenient of me to not tell her i was seriously dating. i lasted two days before i just had to kiss her. three before i just had to ravish her. the worse part was when she left, i went back to my regularly scheduled relationship void of guilt. i only felt a bit surprised to find out that girl 2 hadnt slept w/ anyone in two years and i became the chosen one. ah well. im a charming moral sociopath i am. and after going back to a three month period of being faithful, im up to it again. scheming with girl 2 on my girlfriend (and technically on girl 2 too really). and im stunned at the length of my deception. i am actually contemplating visiting girl 2 who lives in same city as my girlfriend (im in a long d), staying w/ her, laying w/ her and not even letting my girlfriend know that im in town. and im pretty confident that i can do it discreetly, operative word? - again. did i mention theyre friendly with one another? oh yeah. like not friends but they know each other well. what am i doing??? introduce girl 3. intense, enamored relationship 4 years ago. but an overseas long D rarely has a chance to breath. i happen to be visiting her city across the sea in two months. i love my girlfriend but every fiber of my being wants so see girl 3 again. i miss her deeply. she was one of the "ones". ive had two (see earlier post) and they both got away. and i know this is a problem b/c if i see her ill fall in love with her all over again. like instant vanilla chocolate swirl pudding. and itll hurt to leave her again. and im torn fighting myself. b/c its my life. i should do what makes me content. but it makes me happy to see both these women. and it makes me happy to be with my girlfriend. and i feel strongly about both. i seem to be able to resist the temptation of new girls, but it seems that my girls of past are always my present.
whats my point? i dont know really. just to clear my head i guess and ask the question: what makes something morally right? you may think im wrong for doing what i have done and what im contemplating. but why is that? b/c im not being committed to my girlfriend? thats not true. i give her whatever she wants of me if i can. you say i dont give her everything? well have you ever? i doubt it. its impossible to. i give her the best i can. and thats usually a lot. and how do i give her any less than what you give yours? whats your ranking tool? and what is committment? that i never stray? or that i always come back? i think theres a strong argument for either. i dont usually actively seek out these encounters, they just happen. is it really so wrong if i give everyone what they want and take whats for me? ugh. actually im sliding on a guillotine with this one, b/c this is different. i know im in one of my "being a bastard" modes again. which is worse because it means the probability of me hooking up w/ my exes went from a 1% chance encounter to a highly probable self created situation and im liable to rationalize all of it. and im very good at doing that. how do you deal w/ these periods? how do i get it out of my system? i recognize the moods, but its hard to release. how can you satisfy an urge by suppression? i think clinically we all know that doesnt work. and part of me really believes that i can love my girlfriend and keep these others separate. and part of me really thinks that monogamy is simply not an evolutionary device. why fight it? is it not enough to shelter the ones we love from the bursts of animalsim and move on? i guess there always the question of getting caught and of contemplating being on the receiving end. unforunatley thats just not enough to stop me. i need better. anyone care to choose a side and wage war?
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