mmm. waters gush. waters run deep.

its flowing now...i need help on this one. hmm. anybody else talk to themselves? i catch myself doing it. not out loud, but i have to mouth the words. i guess it gives them physical space outside of my head. sometimes i try to force myself to just think internally, but it feels better somehow to mouth. hmm. anyway, writing about friends. long story. insert short story --> enter girl. age seven. grew up together. unexpected love. full bloom. different races. family problems. different places. together just us. apart there are others. decades later. force choice. defeat the winner. unrequited love. no more conversation. <-- so i guess im wondering. did she ever really love me? what is love? is it the commitment to the difficult times? lust fades. romance fades. they all ebb and flow. i guess it was pretty bold of me to ask her to choose me over her family. how can you ask someone you love to do that. but how could i not? i realized i was waiting for her in the back of my head and the front of my heart. i had to know if i could have it all and i ended up with nothing. i guess i would do it over again. but i certainly dont want to feel that pain. the agony. the black hole. my problem is that i always want to know. my rational brain is always trying to figure things out. decipher. why this. why that. not making a choice is a choice. her birthday is coming up. i dream about her. intensely. i wake up w/ feelings and a wet face. its been over a year. is she still a friend if she completely ignored me on her last visit home? from five feet away? my heart is microscopically broken. its impossible to find the pieces. there isnt a probe strong enough. nothing is ever where you see it. uncertainty principle. do i wish her happy birthday? do i really want to brace for the one word response, "thanks". twenty years reduced to this unedible braise? too much salt. too much brandy. its too thick to taste. aaaaaarggggggggh. i miss her. doesnt she miss me? i suppose not. she does have a boyfriend...and i have a girlfriend. who i actually love. i try to focus on that. but how long does it take to get over the one who got away. for reasons beyond my control. its luck of the draw that i happen to be a different race. i doubt her parents would really have disowned her. she didnt. she knows them better than i, right? my friends are everything to me. my family isnt the lovey dovey type. this really crushes me. that i lost everything over this. i would have laid my life down for her. yes i was bitter and withdrawn afterward. snapping. yapping. but why does she not at least fight harder for me. do all to preserve the friendship as i would. do i even try anymore?